Fighting to survive

Every single day I fight for my life, every single day I wait for the rip to pop up in my fb news. Every day I fight the urge because I lost so much in the past three months, just over a year ago I was fighting my addiction to be clean and Anthony Michael brought me back to life as a human doing normal things my mother and my step dad brought me back to life forreal and Anthony made me overcome my fears and my addiction and my weakness, he made me strong while I made him weak, and in the end he died proud of who I became loving me for everything, and now my dad being gone two weeks after has utterly destroyed me, some days I wake up in fear that I can’t do this, other days I wake up and I’m okay, I have nights where I cannot sleep because of my thoughts racing a million miles a second, I wake up screaming and crying because reality sets in and their really gone. I just want the pain to stop but it never does, everyone says it will get better, but it has only gotten worse, I am truly devastated and destroyed beyond repair, how can one be strong enough to fight without her lover who protected me and made me who I am, I feel less then without him, the urge of giving up comes to mind everyday but I still fight it, but I’m in so much pain all I want is for it to go away, and nobody truly understands how much pain I am in how I live day by day wondering when I will be happy again, when will I get my chance to be happy and not lose it, I’m losing my mind every second every minute of every day, but I still continue on and I still stay as strong as I can for Anthony, for my daughter and my family, but that doesn’t mean every second I’m not thinking of running back to my old life I’m fighting my demons more then I ever fought before. But I won’t let them win. I just hate this pain I feel. Inside like I’m dying inside. I lost a part of me when Anthony died and then another part of me when my dad died, it’s literally the worst pain in the entire world. 


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s