Not so perfect world

In a perfect world where their is no pain, no misery, no sadness, and no heartache..

Yeah unfortunately here on earth it’s not a perfect world, because their is pain, their is misery, their is sadness and their is heartache, I am all four and even more then that, I try to be strong, lord knows I try every day, people tell me to keep being strong that I can do this, that time will heal, yeah I get that, but the truth is time will never heal my pain, I’ll learn to live with it as they all say, but I still am not learning to live with it, I still feel the same pain I felt when they both died, I have just been dealing with it, because what else can I do?

I think about writing everything all down because I am so damn good at writing I type it all and it just comes out, I hate writing with my hands but typing I can do, sometimes writing it out and making videos is what helps me in times like these..

I lay awake with my mind racing of everything I wish I could have done differently and all the memories I shared and had and wished I had more, it’s truly the worst pain in the world and people think it’s easy, it’s really not.. I just cleaned the entire house to get my mind off of anything really, losing Anthony, losing my dad I just don’t wanna think about it. I just wanna move and keep busy until I can shut down and not be able to think at all, just pass out.

I thought I should do like an online blog and just write everything i am feeling down, rather it be good bad sad or everything mixed, even if it’s boring I figured why not.

I am not the same person I used to be and I can feel it, I’m not Ashley anymore, I’m some girl who lost so much and became a stronger Ashley, a stronger woman, and someone who just doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s problems anymore, I’ll tell you straight up. I don’t need to hide behind anything because what’s the point, you really never know if you’re truly gonna see tomorrow. So live it up, because you’re never promised another day, love everyone with all your heart and let them know. Because shit is real out in this cold world. I stay to myself and it’s better that way though, I got my family my daughter and a small circle of friends and that’s all I need. But

I wish I had my dad to call when I have moments like this. When Anthony died my dad called me every day, to make sure I was okay because he understood how it felt to lose someone you loved so much and wanted to spend your life with, he told me it never gets easier just easier to live with it, but the pain never goes away, he lost the love of his life years ago and up until the day he died he still missed her and grieved her and was still in pain, the last time I seen my dad he came over to spend the day with me knowing I was in so much pain, so much where he couldn’t do anything to make me feel better even if he wanted to he knew he couldn’t because he knew their is nothing anyone can do, so he stayed with me, for hours he even played with my lizard king (rip my little guy) I got alittle drunk and he knew it probably wasn’t the best idea for me to drink because I was in so much pain, and alcohol makes the pain greater, and so it did, but my dad loved me so much and all he wanted was too take my pain away, how could he have known he was gonna leave me two weeks after Anthony’s death, he didn’t.. I hugged him and kissed him and said I love you, that was the last time I seen him and physically said that. The last time I talked to him was after he got out of the hospital the first time (before his death) I called him to make sure he was okay and that I wanted to see him and missed him and was hurting so bad, all he wanted to do was talk about how I was doing, but I wanted to know if he was okay, he told me he had to wear a catheter and that if he can’t pee normal again he didn’t wanna live like that, but that he was “okay” he said i could see him in the next few days, so I said I loved him and hope he’s okay for the very last time his words I love you too were the last I ever heard from him.. two days later he’s back in the hospital, at first I thought he was going to be okay, but it all turned quickly into tears of having to let go, tears of having to pull the plug because he always said he didn’t wanna be stuck to a bunch of tubes suffering and that he would want to be pulled, and so we did what he would have wanted us to do, once they pulled the plugs on him he had about 5 minutes before he took his last breath, I stayed in their with him along with my mom holding his hand for the last time, as he took his last breath and his heart beated for the last time, I cried like I was dying inside, i couldn’t let go.. the nurses had to pull me off and I fell to the floor.. my daddy was too young to go, and it’s not fair that I’ll never be able to hear his funny laugh or hear him say “can you smellelelelel what the rock… is cooking” except on videos. I miss my dad so much every single day.. November 12th my daddy was taken from me..

I wish I had anthony to call when I have problems like these, Anthony always knew the answer to everything, he was the smartest and most intelligent man I ever knew and Came to love. I went to visit him in Florida when his grandmother was dying, when she passed he went into a depression that I couldn’t get him out of, and I tried, the woman who raised him had died and he was lost, I stayed with him as long as I could and then when I had to leave it was the worst, I didn’t wanna leave, but I had too. Then he was coming to visit me for my birthday, he wanted to make my birthday special and make me happy, but I told him it was too much for him, he was having his grandmothers funeral and then coming to see me that night I wanted him to wait another weekend but he insisted on wanting to come for my birthday weekend, we spent the last and most amazing night together, he told me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me and that all he ever wanted to do was make me this beautiful person I grew into and became because of him, he was happy, and I was happy. We had goals and plans for so much together. He was coming back for me, he was coming back to marry me, we were going to do great things together, but unfortunately I went from talking to him every day and being with him to waking up next to him cuddling not wanting to let go, having breakfast for the last time together kissing each other for the last time and saying I love you for the last time.. and then saying for the last time I’ll see you when I get off work, except I never see him again.. I get off work not hearing from him since my break which was at 2pm and he was drunk of course, I try to open the door but it doesn’t open right away I’m freaking out screaming at anthony to open the door, but he doesn’t come, I keep pushing and pushing until finally is opens and I still don’t know how it opened without the key card but something made me break in and get inside, I find anthony on the floor.. I drop everything and run to him he’s laying there blue and purple his face doesn’t look like his beautiful face I take him and I hold him while I call 911 I don’t know if he’s breathing I don’t know anything because I never been thru this with anyone before, at least not like this.. not finding him.. they told me to try to give him mouth to mouth, but realizing now.. he had already died when I held him and he took his last breath.. I thought their could be a chance but when the cops and ambulance got their and it took them about 45 mins I knew.. I knew I lost the love of my life, and then when the officer came to tell me I’m so sorry but he didn’t make it, I dropped to my knees and cried like I just died inside, I did die, a part of me died when he passed.. I was so alone I quickly called my mom, I waited outside for hours until they took his body, and I couldn’t even say goodbye.. October 27th the love of my life was taken from me..

so this is my life, and this is my story, and I have plenty more to say because this isn’t everything. This is what happened to me recently, and this is how I have been feeling today. I hope people can understand how I feel and enjoy reading what I have to write.. because their is so much to my story and my life that I have yet to say, but it all comes in waves and when I am feeling like I need to let it out, that’s when I write, what I just posted was the end of my misery and heartbreak I thought my life was horrible before, but no, it was only the beginning..

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